Thursday, July 3, 2008

Update on the Mad Cow

So I guess its been awhile since the big explosion over the beefy fries I tried to kill my ex-friends child with. If you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about please read this post.

Anyhow, nothing has changed. She never bothered to called me and try to mend things and I really am not going to be the one to bridge the gap. We have been friends for probably 15 years and the fact that our friendship has ended should bother me a lot more but I guess I'm changing.

The way I see it is that if she was willing to throw away a friendship over this then its not really a friendship I want to be in anyways. The truth is that the last few years the relationship has been very strained.

She is in a bad relationship. She's been with this guy for a long time now. I can't really remember when they got together but I'd say about 8 years ago. We all thought he wasn't much of a catch then and we are still of that same opinion. When I say "we" I mean me, our friends, and her family. Two years ago she almost left him, but then discovered she was pregnant. She was so close! One foot out the door and then it happened.

It was something I had warned her about for a long time. She's one of those girls who thinks she can tell when she's going to get pregnant by counting days and I guess it worked in her favor for many years. I always told her it was a bad method of pregnancy prevention but she didn't care. I even asked a doctor in front of her but she paid no mind to what he said.

She was the girl who didn't know if she ever wanted kids and now she was pregnant. She had all these big dreams of moving to the mainland and pursuing a career and living life to the fullest. The news of the pregnancy killed her inside and she made the hard decision to have an abortion. She said that she was going to leave him and move on but she kept delaying it and within a month or so she was pregnant again.

Fast forward to now and she's still very unhappy and pregnant again. I ask her why she wants to have a second baby when her relationship makes her so unhappy and she says that she wants to have her kids close together. I don't really find that to be a great reason but to each their own. If you are financially screwed, in a bad relationship and miserable is it really the time to be having baby number 2?

She is miserable in her life. She has cheated on him with girls and with a man who was her only lover besides her boyfriend in her entire life. He is constantly saying horrible things to her and wont let the past go. He brings up the baby they gave up and asks if she had really been his. He knows she struggles daily with the fact that she made that decision and he reminds her constantly. He even looks at his own son (who looks exactly like him) and asks him if he's really his.

They go to counselling but even he admits he only listens for a day or two and then gets "lazy" about making changes. He is the most vulgar and unattractive person I have ever met. Anyone who meets him calls him the angry guy. Even during my last birthday he was an ass to me in front of all my guests and was close to being punched out by my own BF. He's one of those guys who has one beer and turns into a raging asshole. Yet he drinks every day.

Slowly but surely people have been pushed away. Nobody wants to be around him. I try to make plans with her alone but the minute she's about to leave he demands to come out with us. Then he sits there and whines the whole time and says revolting things about people. The way he talks would make your stomach turn. It's really disgusting. I've told her before that I don't want to hang out with him and she knows this but she won't just tell him no. Anyway, I could go on about this forever but its just beating a dead horse. He will never change and soon they will have another baby for him to be a disgusting pig in front of.

She has asked me to help them sort out their finances but I don't even try anymore. I send her links to information and make up information packages for her but she does nothing about it. Instead they buy new furniture and a big screen TV and now want a new vehicle. As we all know... you can't make somebody change when it comes to finance. They have to make the decision for themselves so I stopped helping.

This I know really upset her. I don't really care. I have my own issues to deal with and I don't need to waste my time. She tells me that she's my friend and I should help her but I guess giving her the information to help herself isn't what she is looking for.

Over the last year or so she has told me probably 5 or 6 times that I don't invest enough of myself into our friendship. She says the same thing for her other friends and has threatened to drop everyone and move on. At first I bought into it a little bit because I do have a habit of going into my own world a little bit but I've always been this way and all my friends know this about me. So I tried to give her more support and spend more time with her even though I had my own shit to take care of. Slowly I started realizing that I'm not a bad a friend and that I was not responsible for the way she was feeling.

The fight was just a build up for me starting to distance myself I think. Thats why I don't call her. I just don't have the energy or the patience to deal with it anymore. As I get older I really start to analyze things and if something is toxic in my life I let it go.

I did talk to her mom who paid me for a job I did for her. She said I did a great job and she'd like to keep me on but I told her it would probably be best I distance myself for a bit. I feel awkward working for her mother after our friendship ends and don't want to make myself the focus of another attack. Her mother understood and said the offer stands. We had a conversation about what happened and she gave me some insight from her perspective too. Based on that I know I'm not alone in my feelings.

So does it hurt to end this friendship after so many years? Yes, of course it does. I'm sure it will hurt for many years to come. Right now I'm partly sad, but I'm mostly numb to it. I just don't need the pressure. Friendships are a two way street and I'm tired.

If she calls me I would talk to her but I wouldn't jump back in to a friendship. I think too much damage has been done and I know as long as she is with him that things will never change. I guess thats' what happens when you grow up. I still love her and wish her the best but this friendship is too unhealthy for me and what I want in my life.

So there it is... unedited. My thoughts spewed out in random post. Enjoy!


Fabulously Broke said...

It's so sad to hear.. but you just can't help people who don't wanna help themselves.

It's so sad but true.

It sounds like she feels her life is unfulfilled and those poor kids are the real victims.. wanting them close together in age is not a good idea - plus if she didn't want kids, go on the pill and AVOID having them instead of making the mistake a month later

:( I feel bad for her, and for you. You're a good friend for putting up with it for so long

Anonymous said...

Who do you think you are? Why are you trying to put yourself between your "friend" and her family? Her mother is her mother, and always will be and she should support her daughter, not trash talk her to you. Whether or not you agree with the choices she has made in her life, it is not your place to criticize. She is an adult, and will have to live with the consequences of her actions. Be this having one, two or five babies! Or pushing all her friends away. Or remaining in an unhealthy relationship.

I guess your post just bugged me because it seems you are trying to win over her families approval, and have them agree with your thoughts and feelings on the situation. It also seems as if you think you never do anything wrong. Are you willing to take any responsibility in this? I'm sorry, but if you where the "friend" of my daughter in this said situation, I would tell you where to go, and how to get there.

Nathaniel Christopher said...

This is directd to the "anonymous" blogger. Why is that the nastiest attacks seem to come from people who don't have the courage to use their name or even an internet name?

This is nothing but evil trolling by a callous bitch with nothing better to do.

And if you are going to make nasty accusations at least read the post. Dolly clearly stated that she has cut ties with the mad cow's mother.

Although you are using the "anonymous" moniker, I am nearly 100 per cent sure who you are.

So bitch, back the fuck off. We don't like you.

DogAteMyFinances said...

Sometimes in self-destructive situations, there is nothing you can do. You need to think about whether you are (were) enabling. Just a sad situation. So sorry for you.